ET's Info-Stew

When most people get married, they stand up at an altar in a church to make a promise with God that is supposed to last until death. Perhaps for some there really isn't a symbolic religious tie, thus there is no basis for a true life-long commitment. For others, there may be an initial life-long commitment, but the evolution of a marriage causes that commitment to lose value. I've unfortunately seen the marriages of two young couples dissolve within less than five years of making the vows. Is there something missing from 20 somethings' knowledge about marriage? All four sets of my grandparents are married (well, one set died several years ago, but stayed married). Both sets of parents are divorced, and in some cases remarried. This may just be coincidence, or it may be a sign of the times and things to come. I believe it is wrong to say that you will commit your life to someone, then decide later that it no longer works for you. In my inner circle, two new couples have or will be soon getting married, and I fear for them. Will they make it?

I've been married for over seven years, and I'm still in my 20's. Truly I'm not an expert in longevity of marriage. But for some reason the two of us seem to innately know what it takes to have a long-lasting, happy marriage. Apparently new couples need help understanding what they are getting into. This post is my advice to new young couples, to be given before engagement, and reviewed frequently. Though my experience is not life-long, I think my advice is good enough for a couple to happily get through at least the first ten years. Examples given can go both ways.

Many say the foundation of a good marriage is "Communication". This is true, but overly simplified. This doesn't give anyone any actual advice. It's like saying the key to any rocket is thrust. That's great, but how do you actually do it? I'd like to think that there are three foundations, rules-of-thumb, that guide how a person should behave in a marriage: Faithfulness, Fallibility, Finesse. I have not been married long enough to know if these are enough, but it is the way I see my marriage now, and it's been working so far.

Faithfulness

Nothing can destroy a marriage faster than one person losing trust that the other person is fully committed to his or her spouse. The ultimate form of unfaithfulness is Infidelity, which is sure to destroy a marriage. But, there are so many other forms and degrees of unfaithfulness that aren't often considered, and I believe these are major pitfalls for couples.

Stages of Unfaithfulness:

1. Attraction - physical or emotional attraction to a person's appearance or behavior trait.
2. Flirting - one presents him or herself as playful to probe for mutual attraction.
3. Interest - one wants to learn more about the other person, such as history or daily activities.
4. Longing - one wishes to be more involved in the other person's life, more often.
5. Greener pastures - one convinces him or herself that life would have been better with this other person. Usually this is a fallacy based upon having an unrealistic dream-like image of the other person.
6. Self improvement - one starts taking steps to improve one's physical appearance (e.g. losing weight, getting in shape, dressing nicer, change in haircut or makeup, etc.) hoping to attract the other person more.
7. Encounter - one intentionally (though not necessarily consciously) manipulates a private meeting with the other person. One will often use this opportunity to show their vulnerability or helplessness.
8. Probing - verbal or written exchange, frequently explicit language disguised as flirting, that lets both people know a physical encounter (infidelity) is possible. It is phrased in such a way as to shield the initiator from rejection, so that he or she can say it was only a joke.
9. Rationalization - one rationalizes that actions toward infidelity are warranted because of how he or she is treated by their spouse.
10. Infidelity - physical encounter with the other person (touching, kissing, sexual acts, intercourse).

Consider this: if a wife believes that her husband has an emotional connection with another woman, 1) there is nothing the man can say to dispel the belief, and 2) there will ALWAYS be lingering doubts about faithfulness. So, if she finds him in the stage of flirting or interest, doubt has already crept into the marriage, and recovery is difficult or impossible. The only stage where it is okay, and some would argue natural to dabble in is Attraction. You may be married to your soul mate, but that doesn't mean that there aren't others who interest you.

There are also pitfalls in the Attraction stage. A couple that openly expresses their attraction to other people shows signs of trouble. Most people lack enough self-confidence to take, in-stride, comments that their spouse finds another person attractive. Such comments plant the seeds of doubt, resentment, and likely feelings that they themselves are not attractive and worthy. The "List of Five" from Friends is a good example of this. In the "List of Five", you chose five celebrities that, given the chance, you would be allowed to sleep with. It seems innocent, especially given the extremely unlikely chance that such an encounter could happen. And if the situation ever did arise, it's even more unlikely that the person would act on it. It's easy to tell whether a person is not comfortable with these overt expressions of attraction: your spouse starts to dislike the objects of your attraction. For example if the wife thinks Patrick Dempsey is attractive, and the husband all the sudden expresses dislike for Grey's Anatomy.

So, in the case of attraction, communication is not key. Innocent and infrequent attractions which do not go past the attraction stage can only harm a marriage if such feelings are expressed. Additionally, it is the burden of the person with the attraction to ensure that feelings don't go past the attraction stage.

This brings me to the next point: Removal. A person should know and understand the stages of unfaithfulness to the point where he or she would be able to recognize when he or she has passed through the Attraction stage. Then it is absolutely vital to remove one's self from the situation. Allowing the situation to continue could ultimately lead to deeper stages of unfaithfulness. Removal requires self-discipline, and willpower because it is difficult to overcome the feelings of infatuation. If one is in the flirting stage, one must make a disciplined effort to stop flirting with the person. If one is in the interest stage, one must make a disciplined effort to stop seeking information about the person. Removal applies to all stages of unfaithfulness, and it is best to removed one's self as soon as the problem is recognized. Self-control is such a huge part of happy married life that it cannot be understated.

In summary there are many stages to unfaithfulness, and all of those stages are hurtful to a marriage. It is one's responsibility to understand the different stages, recognize when he or she has entered a stage, and then use self-discipline to remove one's self from the situation. Once the seed of doubt has been planted in a spouse's mind, it is nearly impossible to dislodge it.

Fallibility

Nobody is perfect. It is often difficult for someone to take criticism. But when your spouse is mad at you for something, and especially when they've been mad at you before about the same thing, that is a clue that you aren't doing something right. If you want your marriage to last you need to be able to do critical self analysis and be willing to fix your flaws. Does a wife always complain about cleaning your dirty dishes because she is a nag, or because he is lazy? So first one must recognize what is doing to cause strife in the marriage.

Recognition is one thing, but you shouldn't expect your spouse to accept those flaws. In fact, you shouldn't accept those flaws within yourself. Consider a couple that frequently gets angry with each other to the point of screaming. Lack of anger control is a flaw, and a particularly dangerous one that could lead to someone getting physically hurt. Once again self-discipline is necessary to correct your flaws. But if self-discipline isn't enough by itself, there is no shame in seeking the help of a professional to save a marriage. A good marriage counselor will help both spouses see the character flaws as well as the positive traits, and give the couple the tools to correct the flaws while emphasizing the positive traits.

There are things a couple should NOT do to try to fix a relationship problem:

• Have children - it is a mistake to believe a child will magically make the negative aspects of a relationship disappear, simply by having a mutual object of love and attention. If anything, the stress of having and raising a child is likely to amplify the problems. Plus, if the couple's problems aren't magically solved, they are bringing a child into an anger-filled family, or possibly eventually a broken family. This is one reason it makes sense to wait at least a few years, if not longer, to have children.
• Wait - it is a mistake to think that serious relationship problems will eventually go away if you ignore them. Instead what will happen is that feelings of resentment will fester and eventually explode, possibly in a different form. Communication or better yet getting the help of a marriage counselor is key to bring things out into the open so they can be corrected.
• Strict control - some people who have been hurt by their spouse seeking outside attention try to gain the relationship back by implementing strict controls to prevent the spouse from doing so again. This fosters resentment and obvious feelings of distrust. Furthermore, the controlling person gets paranoid when control is temporarily lost, such as being apart for a few days, so the distrust amplifies. Obviously the controlled person needs to fix his or her flaws, but the controlling person needs to see the control as a flaw, and correct it too.

In summary, everyone has flaws, and those flaws change as years go by. One is constantly responsible for his or her behavior. It is easy to blame one's spouse for marital problems, but one should look more deeply within him or herself first. A person should always seek to find his or her flaws and correct them. And if the flaw is big enough to cause major strife in the marriage, seeking the help of an independent person, such as a marriage counselor, is very wise. Remember that the last step before infidelity in the stages of faithfulness is "Rationalization". It is your flaws that provide the rationalization and the sense of greener pastures.

Finesse

I needed another word starting with F to describe this last thing, and finesse does a decent job. In marriage, finesse is the art of doing the small things that keep one's spouse happily in love. Finesse takes effort. Many actions that fall under this art are usually not "what I want to do", and most of the time go unrewarded and sometimes even go consciously unnoticed. But they are just as important as the big gifts and "I love you"s. These are the things that make a spouse think "I'm so lucky to have (him or her)."

The finesse acts are different for each person and it takes time to find them. They are often very simple: holding hands in public, a kiss on the forehead in the morning, turning the TV to your spouse's favorite channel so it's automatically there when they turn it on. Sometimes you can figure out what they are based upon their reaction. You may not get acknowledgment from your spouse, but you can tell when they notice, even if they don't say anything.

I have two finesse actions, off the top of my head. A smart person would be constantly seeking these finesse actions out and finding more. Every night, even if I'm very tired, I gently stroke my wife's back arms or neck until she falls asleep. It is very comforting to her and clearly she enjoys the sensual, loving touch from her husband. My other action is that I always refill the ice-cube trays, never complaining or expressing anger when she is the one who emptied the tray. There is always the worry that such actions will over time be taken for granted. If it is clear that you do these things out of love and without complaint, it will be appreciated.

In summary, the little finesse actions are the glue in the relationship that make a person feel that they are lucky to be married to such a wonderful person. It feels good to do these actions, too, even if you don't get any verbal acknowledgment, because you know you're doing something that will make your spouse happy.